Saturday, June 30, 2007
dont expect me to trust you just like that okay.
how many times do i need to repeat this?
how convincing can your words be?
today, another lie was just being told.
however, i suspected another lie at the same time.
when i was about to receive the truth out of it, i left the source.
after i left, i realised it was pointless in digging out the truth.
because i know that, even if THAT GIRL tell me something thats was against my thoughts, i also wont believe.
because im sure xiang is capable of telling her not to tell me the facts.
oh well. im tired of it.
i need a break hunn.
I NEED A BREAK.
come on my friends, cheer me up. (:
i love them cause they never fail to accompany me when i needed them.
they never lie to me, they are very truthful&encouraging.
I LOVE YOU FRIENDS!
you all really are very caring&sincere&sweeet! (x
life is like stepping stones.
so this is also part of life. (:
i'll carry on with my life though love fails me. - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
im just doing it for your own good.
only when her number is not there, you will think less about messaging her.
AM I RIGHT?
but you couldnt understand!
what was the problem with you?
sigh.
im doing it to protect myself from being hurt further.
however, i know its NOT a 100% preventive measure, but at least im still able to protect myself in some ways.
because you can just sneak your sister's phone and memorise her number.
but dont you feel that if you do that. you'l get pricked in your conscience?
you can lie to everyone around you, but you cannot lie to yourself.
i learnt this from my primary school friend.
if my friend&i could understand when we were P1, you, being a poly student, should be able to understand this clause.
im doing all these to protect myself.
if you think you can do it, you HAVE TO SHOW IT TO ME.
and having said this, it takes TIME.
someone please take me to the beach and scream my sorrows out. - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Monday, June 25, 2007
another lie.
i wonder how long more i can hold on.
i wonder how many more times im going to be lied to.
though you have been saying that you want to gain back my trust, is that how you are going to gain back by your repeating lies?
even though you kept saying that you dont want to lie already, but you expect me to trust you just*snaps* like that?
its impossible dear.
its a mission impossible.
im seriously tired&really hope to give it a break.
but when i think back, im feeling like shit.
i cant let go of this relationship, because i really do love to hold on to it till we grow old.
i really want to grow old with you.
since you've made a promise to my mom that you'll come back for me two years later (promise made in last dec), which is 1.5years now.
nevermind. i shall wait. this will be the LAST EVER CHANCE im giving you.
if you break this trust again, we'll BREAK UP. - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Saturday, June 23, 2007
how many more times do you want to lie to me?
what you promised me was broken. not once. but twice or thrice.
how do you expect me to trust you again?
dont you think its VERY hard for me to do so?
why are you always thinking of you yourself being emo&that NO ONE comes to talk to you?
i believe if you ask gareth, he'll talk to you, more than willing to.
but why would you want HER?!
have you not think that i was emo because of your small little actions you executed?
why are you doing this to me?
i have known that the first&the last chance wasnt the first&last chance at all.
it is the first many&the last many chances.
sigh
im UTTERLY DISAPPOINTED.
you want to gain back my trust, but are you doing it correctly in the first place??????????
yes, you are gaining back my trust by your repeated lying.
how can i not be emo now?
you told the other girl that the girl you like was OBVIOUSLY PRETTY.
how would i think?
it was a TOTAL disappointment.
i bet you didnt know that at all.
perhaps you can just think that it just a comment from your mouth, you think that you might not mean it at all.
but what will i think when i read it?
have you ever think about it at all?
the obvious answer is NO.
i dont want you to lie to me again.
because i dont want to emo&cry again.
and i dont want you to think that im crying over small little stuffs.
to you, those stuffs you said could be little&minute in your eyes, but to me, it can just shatter my heart into pieces.
but you have not tried to understand at all.
just one word, its enough to break my heart.
just one small action, its enough to further shatter them.
i dont want to live in this torture already.
God, get me out of it.
im sick&tired of it.
Oh God, save me. - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Thursday, June 21, 2007
another day just the two of us.
today not by the sea/in the sea.
it was on a busy land!
TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!
yes. baby wants to enjoy the great deals singapore is having on GREAT SINGAPORE SALE.
what i did was to just follow dear dear wherever he went.
i was merely enjoying looking at the prices they offer.
i couldnt buy it as i am still in the course of saving money to buy those stuffs i REALLY REALLY want&need.
for example. mng jeans. its really pretty. but too bad, IF i have enough, i might head for it. but IF i dont have enough, i will buy the other one RED2 has. (:
another example is victoria secrets perfume. (: its a new want for me.
as i passed by a push-cart, i am starting to develop feelings for such stuffs. such SWEEEEET smelling stuffs. ((:
what else attracted me?
went to far east and saw this shop that sells DENIM STUFFS. shorts, skirts, jeans!
shall head there when i have VITAMIN M.
bikinis are on the way. WHOO! (:
money money money. ):
when money comes to my mind, which always does, i will feel super sad.
because i dont have enough to spend on my food&few personal stuffs.
and when i walk in the streets&see high-end stuffs like GUCCI, it tempts me to feel darn rejected. ):
and sadness dwells in. )':
but i think money will naturally come in when i start to work. (:
dont worry deborah!
pretty bling blings wont run away!
haha. :D
i enjoyed spending this day with you dear.
i love you! - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
the clock is ticking away from 3am.
i am quietly sitting here, thinking of what i should blog about.
i dont know where i should start from.
i just didnt have any idea of what i want to blog about.
but i still want to blog about something. (:
the whole of today was just about me slacking everywhere i went.
supposed to go NRA practice.
but i was late&i decided not to go.
went back to dear's house&found out something unpleasant.
sigh. why am i always so suspicious about anything&everything?
up to date, i checked&found many stuffs which i was being lied to.
once again, emotions filled me.
i couldnt those emotions that filled me, there are just too strong.
sometimes i just wonder if im a little toooooo emo. ):
but what do you expect from someone who was being lied to?
needless to say when i found out more things. ):
it was utterly disappointing. but i tried my best to smile&take it easy.
it failed.
however, my persistence in wanting to make things turn out good led things turning out fine.
how "PHEW" can i be? (:
i want you to hold on like how you used to.
this is really the last chance im offering you.
no more of any chances that might salvage this relationship between you&i.
savvy?
but i want to tell you that i NEVER love someone soooo deeply before.
and i NEVER in my life give out so much before. (:
i did all these is because i love you.
i really mean it. (:
miss you bee.
kisses** - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
yes. it was sweet. sweet till i dont want to give it up.
today was the day just the TWO OF US. i was so pleased that i plucked up my courage to swim in the deep deep water! it was darn high tide. i was feeling super nervy.
i didnt bring so many things! like, extra pair of shorts.
how dumb of me to continue to swim with my one and only pair of shorts.
was so desperate that i was actually drying it with the hand dryer available in the toilet.
after 1/2 hour, it was still not dry. so it equals to dear waited for me for 1/2 hour.
sorry dear. but i really cant take it to wear a pair of wet shorts.
though it didnt dry after that&i still wore it. -.-"
got ourselves washed up&found out another lie.
it was a 360 degrees switch to emo-ness.
this is a normal reaction when girls realised that their bfs lied to them again about the same issue.
total disappointment. but still, it worked out after songs of the sea.
dear hoaxed me&yes, i responded greatfully. i responded&i really love him!
dear bought me a pair of cargo pants. i really felt bad for him.
those money he spent was supposed to be for himself!! )))x
ate carls junior. it was shiokness. (:
took bus with dear. and i forgot to tap my card against the card reader.
darn it. it was TWICE.
nvm. shall learn from it. (:
emoness filled me once again.
we quarreled again.
BREAK UP seems to be the BEST idea.
but i cant let go. perhaps i just expressed it out of disappointment, depression&anger.
he confused me. i dont know whats love from him.
im worried sick for him.
the thought of breaking up seems not to be at the right timing.
i want to take care of him. till both of us are old.
i dont care. but these obstacles seemed so hard for me to just take a step over.
im telling you dear, that im trying hard to get over it.
finally, i got over it. but last night you lied to me again.
and so i find it so hard to trust you again.
for everything, it becomes my fault.
well done deborah.
you'd brought all these unpleasantness to yourself.
im stil trying to work things out. sigh.
want to thank ben for listening me out.
i called cheryl. but she didnt pick up. so i called ben.
i want to hear comments from him. cos he's a guy. he knows what a guy would think.
though each individual has their own character, but i still relied on his point of view to try to understand how guys think.
thanks ben! (:
anyway, cheryl. sorry if i bother your ben too much!
but i want to thank him alot for listening my cries&anger&disappointment. (:
you have a great bf! treasure him!
love you cheryl!!! (x - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Friday, June 15, 2007
went suntanning with justine.
just the two of us.
the sun was disappointing.
!##$*&#$*$&%*#&!!!
gonna find some other day to tan myself!
probably find hiphoppers&boyfriend. if not then chinchin&hanhan&jacjac!
miss them.
my dear had gone for msia for the past 1000 years.
and he's still not back in singapore.
im eeeefffing missing him. im effffing thinking of him every second.
but at the same time, i dont like him.
my heart is still not healed.
but its okay. i guess time will heal it.
tmr im going for NRA camp.
and im still eeeeffing not sleeping yet when im running a terrible headache.
FREAK!
i had gastric for the past dont know how many days.
i havent been eating well.
for example, there's one day i remember, i didnt eat anything till at at night, darling forced me to eat.
another day was i ate A LOT. like. within 5hours, i ate 2 meals! TWO HEAVY MEALS.
like today, i didnt eat anything except, 2sushi&1 curry puff. &fed myself with so much gassy drinks.
im planning to go suntanning with dear on monday.
who want to come along??
haha. those interested text me okay?
i'll ask dear&see how.
going to buy a new set of bikinis.
(:
my old one was so freaking worn out.
at least i still could wear it for today. (:
i had a great time today.
i didnt cry already. (:
thank you people who encouraged me!
they are, samantha sum. julia& regine, chinchin, henry, hanhan, jacjac, wannyy, charlotte, ruiqi.
i want to declare my love for them. haha. I LOVE YOU GUYS! if you guys dont know it! (x
i will be back from camp on sunday.
dont worry. i'll be safe. just keep me in prayer! (: - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
after struggling for 4whole days, i finally broke free.
broke free from the long&frightening thunderstorm.
though its just 4days as i'd mentioned, it felt so long for me.
i fought this battle hard&courageously. i faced it.
now its kind of over. but part of it hasnt been over yet.
MY HEART.
though its hurting soo much, bleeding too much, shattered into infinite pieces, you promised me to mend them all back when you arrive in singapore.
i hold on to your word. i will wait till they are all fixed.
baby, the night you left made me lonely.
the night you left made me wonder if you'll miss me.
the night you left made me wonder if you'll dream of me every night.
as i see you leave, i bring myself an inch closer to the excitement you prepared for me.
but as i could start off with that excitement, i was truly pissed.
it couldnt be watched! it couldnt be saved in my lappie.
im so sad.
i cant spend my time watching those movies.
i can only wait every day, until you are back.
all i can say is i miss you. you&only you.
you chatted with me on msn saying you didnt manage to get a room, i was so happy. i wished for you to come back. but it was all disappointment.
but it's all right. i can hang on for just these few days.
i'll pack myself with many activities.
i would not make myself available for any ugly thoughts that is going to bombard me.
i would just think of you&my activities. (:
bee. im giving you one, the first&the last chance to let you prove that you love me.
dont fail me please.
i love you.
kisses** - i just wanted to say ...# ;
HAHA. ITS A GOOD FIND-OUT FOR THE WEEK. I'D LEARNT SOMETHING NEW.
BROKEN PROMISES. BROKEN TRUST.
BUT NEVERMIND MY DEAR FRIENDS. IM EEEEEEEFING ALL RIGHT.
DONT WORRY ABOUT ME.
I KNOW YOU GUYS WILL EEEEEEEEEEEFING MISS ME. (:
I MISS YOU ALL TOO.
thinking about today, it would make me smile through the darkest, most lonely night.
however, as i recall about your recent post in ur blog which u told me about, i was eager to read it, hoping it was something sweeter, something nicer.
however, when i learnt about it. it failed me.
yes. you'd chosen me. yes, i know you knew you wouldnt be choosing the wrong one.
BUT! you are still eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefffing confused about it.
im utterly disappointed.
i seriously enjoyed this day with you. because i thought your thoughts were true.
im not sure if you are using me as a spare tyre or you are real towards me.
i cant tell of your love towards me now.
im feeling super lost. SUPER LOST.
ive got no one to quarrel with. ive got no one to whine to. ive got no one to hoax me.
its lonely. it will be lonely.
--
this coming friday is NRA camp.
i dont feel like going already.
im bloody eeeeeeeeeeefing depressed!
i need my friends badly.
i want shoulders to cry&lean on.
im dependent on them, not you.
though for awhile, i loved to lean on you. i loved&missed the feeling.
i want to feel it again. but i cant put myself to.
i wouldnt want to bring any hurt to myself again.
yes. like what you said.
i brought this to myself. its my bad.
i forced you to say.
thats why i cant blame you.
i have to blame myself for being too sensitive.
im too tired to think.
let me bleed to death while you are enjoying your life at msia.
LABEL: I'LL BE GONE - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Sunday, June 10, 2007
finally i got to know how the hell felt like.
at least i understand&i'll treasure you like hell.
i can hang on, with God.
i prayed to God to give me strength, He answered.
i prayed to God to give me comfort, He answered.
i prayed to God to hold back my tears, He answered.
give me time. i can solve this issue within me.
im feeling sad?
yes i am.
i resort myself to talk to someone&to watch the english lesson on youtube.
thanks to these two "helpers". because i really felt much better! (: - i just wanted to say ...# ;
Thursday, June 07, 2007
i guess it's been a long time since i update my blog.
i guess life has become more stressful&im trying my best to adapt.
it's so hard yet challenging.
imagine i've got to go through this for 3years!
my cousin has a baby boy! his name is ADEN.
and God brought him to earth for a purpose! for his relatives to carry&hug!
he looks so much like his dad.
handsome boy.
so going to give birth to such a boy like ADEN.
finally got to talk to jie again.
poor thing! she's going through what im going through at this period.
TESTS!!
just want to wish both of us all the best&stay pretty!
- few days ago
anyway. many things happened.
my exams are finally over today.
i feel so joyful experiencing the after-exams-days.
like today, we had a girls outing at NAC.
what we did was SUPER unglam.
but its okay. we are still pretty!
head down to mng.
OMG.
saw this pair of skinny jeans.
darn cheap; darn gorgeous.
i just love it.
hanhan&i are planning to save up&buy our gonna-be-ours' jeans.
soooo cool!
this is the SECOND i ever successfully fit into a pair of jeans.
i recall the FIRST time was at LEVIS.
i just want those pair of jeans.
sooooo pretty!
baby is going to retreat next week.
and im superly missing him now.
sigh.
i want to go with you. but enjoy&feel holy.
but. no VIT. M.
so no retreat.
missed last year.
but nevermind! we are still going to have fun!
moreoever. holis are here.
i need 200% rest.
darn shag&restless.
i need to be a sleeping beauty now.
Label: mng skinny jeans. i want it. - i just wanted to say ...# ;
yes. it was sweet. sweet till i dont want to give it up.